So, I feel kind of tired and I'm very ready for bed! However, it's been a while and I thought I'd just share my heart right now...
I find it very difficult to be a "christian" at all times. I'm not sure what my deal is... Maybe I have some sort of underlying issue that needs to be resolved or maybe I just deal with my flesh a little more than most. There are things that I used to deal with that I've not really told anyone about. It's over and I've no problem with them anymore but I feel the need to just get them out into light. I don't want to feel ashamed or embarrassed anymore! The Lord has set me free and I am totally free! So, this next week I plan on talking to at least one person about it... Let freedom be the song of my soul!
I've decided that I'm done letting the world decide if I'm good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc! I am standing firm on what the Lord sees in me! Yes, this journey into what He says about me is going to be hard but sooo good for me! I need to stand strong on His words! I need to see what He sees in me and forget about what people say!
I'm finally believing that God has called me for a specific purpose and no one can take that away unless I let them! So, as of this very second, I'm thinking better of myself! I'm standing on His love and promises!
I am a woman of God, called according to His will and purpose for my life! I will not be spoken to like I'm an idiot... I am more than able! I am mighty and will not back down! Satan can no longer use my past or present mistakes against me! I am free and loved!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
No prayer is an unheard prayer...
This weekend I went to the Toledo/Michigan area to visit some friends that I dearly love! I can admit that I had a ton of fun! While there, I hung out with one of my bestest friends. We've been friends going on 6 years! It's to a point where we can almost finish each other's sentences! I love it! It's nice to have someone in your life who understands you almost better than they understand themselves!
He'll say that over the last three or four months he's been going through some really rough junk. But I say it's been going on for at least two years (don't shake your head at me). I remember times where I would want to make the four and a half hour drive up there to shake some sense into him. I also remember sleepless nights of prayer and tears. I remember being at church on my knees praying for God to give me my old friend back.
The one who was on fire for God. The friend who wanted to change, wanted to be held accountable and longed to see the face of God. I shed tear upon tear and prayed countless prayers. I even came to a point where I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to help him or who I could get to help him. He was in this pit. His very soul was being tortured by something so evil and yet, there was NOTHING I could do except pray.
When I hung out with him, there was life! There was a fire; a passion burning so strong. There was this renewed light and hope burning in his eyes. We sat and talked and talked and it was amazing! My old friend was back, I was seeing him with my own two eyes! I wasn't dreaming, I wasn't hallucinating! It was him. I could feel everything he said resonating in my spirit! It was incredible! I left feeling encouraged. I left feeling empowered!
So, I say all of that to get to my main point... As I drove home, I realized that all of this was an answer to those countless knee sent prayers, sleepless nights and millions upon millions of shed tears! It was what I unceasingly asked for! I felt like the woman in Luke 18 who had gone numerously to the king asking for protection. It wasn't until she asked and asked and asked for what she wanted that she finally got it.
Be encouraged! God hears all prayers. He wants you to prove faithful in that! "Be unceasing in prayer; praying perseveringly!" (1Thessalonians 5:17, Amplified) God hears all of your cries! He holds all of those tears in his hands. Take heart and know that it's all in God's timing and if you prove faithful in praying, he'll prove faithful in answering those prayers!
He'll say that over the last three or four months he's been going through some really rough junk. But I say it's been going on for at least two years (don't shake your head at me). I remember times where I would want to make the four and a half hour drive up there to shake some sense into him. I also remember sleepless nights of prayer and tears. I remember being at church on my knees praying for God to give me my old friend back.
The one who was on fire for God. The friend who wanted to change, wanted to be held accountable and longed to see the face of God. I shed tear upon tear and prayed countless prayers. I even came to a point where I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to help him or who I could get to help him. He was in this pit. His very soul was being tortured by something so evil and yet, there was NOTHING I could do except pray.
When I hung out with him, there was life! There was a fire; a passion burning so strong. There was this renewed light and hope burning in his eyes. We sat and talked and talked and it was amazing! My old friend was back, I was seeing him with my own two eyes! I wasn't dreaming, I wasn't hallucinating! It was him. I could feel everything he said resonating in my spirit! It was incredible! I left feeling encouraged. I left feeling empowered!
So, I say all of that to get to my main point... As I drove home, I realized that all of this was an answer to those countless knee sent prayers, sleepless nights and millions upon millions of shed tears! It was what I unceasingly asked for! I felt like the woman in Luke 18 who had gone numerously to the king asking for protection. It wasn't until she asked and asked and asked for what she wanted that she finally got it.
Be encouraged! God hears all prayers. He wants you to prove faithful in that! "Be unceasing in prayer; praying perseveringly!" (1Thessalonians 5:17, Amplified) God hears all of your cries! He holds all of those tears in his hands. Take heart and know that it's all in God's timing and if you prove faithful in praying, he'll prove faithful in answering those prayers!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I was reading through my Bible the other day, trying to find something interesting to read. Here's me being a bit vulnerable: I often find it difficult to read the Bible. It's not that I'm not interested in what the Lord says, it's just not always exciting to me. As I flipped through, I came across this verse, "Take me away with you- let us hurry!"
This verse is from Song of Songs. It's in the first chapter, the fourth verse. I read it (mainly because it's marked) and started to cry. As the tears fell, I felt the Lord begin to speak to me. This is kind of what I felt He said:
"Dearest, on days where everything sucks and nothing seems to be going right; on days where you feel everyone is against you, when you're depressed, discouraged, and hopeless, who do you turn to? Who is the one you want to run away with? Am I the one? Am I the first person that comes to your mind? Are you desperate to run away with me?
My dearest, do you long to be with me? Are you like that deer that pants for streams of water? When you're in trouble; when you feel like your world is out of control, do you run to me? Do you hide under my cover? I want and have great things for you! If only you would turn to me.
If only I was the first you ran to. If only you spoke to me like you do others. If only you kept things secret with me. You don't have to hide anything from me. You don't have to go to others because you're ashamed to bring it to me! Dearest, I'm always here for you! I'm the one with all of the answers, the perfect comfort, the unconditional love! Dearest, I'm the one you need!"
I know that all the Lord spoke to me is true. It has caused me to re-evaluate my relationship with Him! I don't know why I sometimes stray a little from Him. I don't know why I don't just stay focused and make life a lot easier on myself. However, I do know that I really want to get it right this time!
**Lord, I truly love you with everything in me! Please help me be more focused on you! Your love is amazing and I need more of you now than ever before! Help me draw near to you and run to you before all others**
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I'm not sure there is anything on my mind tonight... I can say that I think I'm getting sick but God will take care of it! I can say that I've not talked to my best friend in what feels like forever and frankly, I miss her!!! I really want to make a list of things I love. So, here it is...
I love:
I love:
- coconut cream pie
- strawberries
- green
- pink
- Gerber daisies
- butterscotch
- memories that make me laugh
- my best friend
- my best friendicles (best friend w/ testicles... lol)
- the beach
- the smell of salt water and sunblock
- rain
- butterflies
- umbrellas
- diamonds
- sand between my toes
- midnight snacks
- huge purses
- shoes, shoes, shoes!!!
Okay, this is one of my stupidest posts but it's soo what I'm feeling and thinking.... :D
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Today = Vulnerability
Today...
Today I want to hide away in my room... Block out the world... Sleep, cuddled up next to my giant pillow and read... Read the night away... Only coming out to use the rest room... Only coming out to shower and eat... I feel like I'm missing something... I don't have any idea what it is... I let things bother me so easily... I let things build up... There are things I'm afraid to share... Things from my past... Things that are embarrassing and shameful... Ugh!!! Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite... It's not that I judge people!!! I just don't tell them that I understand!!! I think I pretend and I think I'm really good at it...
Here's the deal... Sometimes I want to explode... I want to blow up into a bazillion pieces... I know it's not a surprise, but why??? Why do I feel this way??? And for no reason at all!!! I want the world to know that I'm human... Why do I feel like I have to live up to an expectation no one has set for me??? Maybe that's the deal... No on expects anything great from me... They only expect me to be the talkative one... The loud and bubbly one... The one with the smile... They expect me to... Heck, I don't know what else they expect from me... I wish they expected me to be great!!!
Sometimes I want to be beautiful... Not just cute and cuddly or pretty and sweet... But beautiful!!! I want to be looked at the way my sisters are... The way my friends are... Maybe I don't try hard enough... Maybe I'll just never be that girl... When I get like this, all I can hear is this: "Hey, if you lost weight, you'd be one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met! I mean, you've got such a pretty face!" Yep, someone really did say that to me once! I guess he thought it was okay since I was drunk... I guess he figured I wouldn't remember it... Well, I do and now I hate to look at myself!!! I hate to think about what others see when they too look at me... What can a girl do when it doesn't come or come off easily??? Why are people so stupid???
When I start to think about the above, I wonder if anyone will ever want to marry me or be with someone who looks like I do... I mean, if I can't stand to look at me, how can a man??? Insecurities suck!!! People who speak without thinking suck!!! The pressures of the world suck... Being open sucks...
Finally thought:
"I may be down but I will rise. It may be dark but God is light."
Today I want to hide away in my room... Block out the world... Sleep, cuddled up next to my giant pillow and read... Read the night away... Only coming out to use the rest room... Only coming out to shower and eat... I feel like I'm missing something... I don't have any idea what it is... I let things bother me so easily... I let things build up... There are things I'm afraid to share... Things from my past... Things that are embarrassing and shameful... Ugh!!! Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite... It's not that I judge people!!! I just don't tell them that I understand!!! I think I pretend and I think I'm really good at it...
Here's the deal... Sometimes I want to explode... I want to blow up into a bazillion pieces... I know it's not a surprise, but why??? Why do I feel this way??? And for no reason at all!!! I want the world to know that I'm human... Why do I feel like I have to live up to an expectation no one has set for me??? Maybe that's the deal... No on expects anything great from me... They only expect me to be the talkative one... The loud and bubbly one... The one with the smile... They expect me to... Heck, I don't know what else they expect from me... I wish they expected me to be great!!!
Sometimes I want to be beautiful... Not just cute and cuddly or pretty and sweet... But beautiful!!! I want to be looked at the way my sisters are... The way my friends are... Maybe I don't try hard enough... Maybe I'll just never be that girl... When I get like this, all I can hear is this: "Hey, if you lost weight, you'd be one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met! I mean, you've got such a pretty face!" Yep, someone really did say that to me once! I guess he thought it was okay since I was drunk... I guess he figured I wouldn't remember it... Well, I do and now I hate to look at myself!!! I hate to think about what others see when they too look at me... What can a girl do when it doesn't come or come off easily??? Why are people so stupid???
When I start to think about the above, I wonder if anyone will ever want to marry me or be with someone who looks like I do... I mean, if I can't stand to look at me, how can a man??? Insecurities suck!!! People who speak without thinking suck!!! The pressures of the world suck... Being open sucks...
Finally thought:
"I may be down but I will rise. It may be dark but God is light."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Ramblings
I often feel like my life is crazy... It's like I've spinning around in circles... I feel dizzy and excited all at the same time! My life, it's hard to explain...
I find myself laughing at me as I write this. I'm 23. I live at home. I have HUGE dreams but often doubt my ability to fulfill them (I know, with God, all things are possible). I'm working on building faith. One day at a time, right?
Out of all honesty, I'm doing this to make my friend, Josh, happy. However, I think this might be something good. I have all kinds of things running through my mind all the time! Right now I'm thinking about how the whole blogging deal was an idea I had for Josh. I'm thinking about how beautiful my niece is, how lucky I am to have the friends I do. I also really want some ice cream from Handles but can't have any because the closest one is in Toledo.
I want to work with children and youth and young adults and old people. I want to love more deeply. I believe that my life would suck so bad without Jesus in it! Christianity isn't easy but it's so worth it! I have the best youth group in the whole world! I'm in the process of trying to get a college and career group started at my church. It's not easy but I know that it's going to be worth all the work and faithfulness!
I pray for people when they ask and I pray for people when they don't ask. I want to see chains broken and wounds healed! I want to spread the love of the Lord. I want people to know who He is! I want them to feel His all consuming love and mercy! I want to leave this final thought:
"Live as if tomorrow may never come."
I find myself laughing at me as I write this. I'm 23. I live at home. I have HUGE dreams but often doubt my ability to fulfill them (I know, with God, all things are possible). I'm working on building faith. One day at a time, right?
Out of all honesty, I'm doing this to make my friend, Josh, happy. However, I think this might be something good. I have all kinds of things running through my mind all the time! Right now I'm thinking about how the whole blogging deal was an idea I had for Josh. I'm thinking about how beautiful my niece is, how lucky I am to have the friends I do. I also really want some ice cream from Handles but can't have any because the closest one is in Toledo.
I want to work with children and youth and young adults and old people. I want to love more deeply. I believe that my life would suck so bad without Jesus in it! Christianity isn't easy but it's so worth it! I have the best youth group in the whole world! I'm in the process of trying to get a college and career group started at my church. It's not easy but I know that it's going to be worth all the work and faithfulness!
I pray for people when they ask and I pray for people when they don't ask. I want to see chains broken and wounds healed! I want to spread the love of the Lord. I want people to know who He is! I want them to feel His all consuming love and mercy! I want to leave this final thought:
"Live as if tomorrow may never come."
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