Today = Vulnerability

Today...

Today I want to hide away in my room... Block out the world... Sleep, cuddled up next to my giant pillow and read... Read the night away... Only coming out to use the rest room... Only coming out to shower and eat... I feel like I'm missing something... I don't have any idea what it is... I let things bother me so easily... I let things build up... There are things I'm afraid to share... Things from my past... Things that are embarrassing and shameful... Ugh!!! Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite... It's not that I judge people!!! I just don't tell them that I understand!!! I think I pretend and I think I'm really good at it...

Here's the deal... Sometimes I want to explode... I want to blow up into a bazillion pieces... I know it's not a surprise, but why??? Why do I feel this way??? And for no reason at all!!! I want the world to know that I'm human... Why do I feel like I have to live up to an expectation no one has set for me??? Maybe that's the deal... No on expects anything great from me... They only expect me to be the talkative one... The loud and bubbly one... The one with the smile... They expect me to... Heck, I don't know what else they expect from me... I wish they expected me to be great!!!

Sometimes I want to be beautiful... Not just cute and cuddly or pretty and sweet... But beautiful!!! I want to be looked at the way my sisters are... The way my friends are... Maybe I don't try hard enough... Maybe I'll just never be that girl... When I get like this, all I can hear is this: "Hey, if you lost weight, you'd be one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met! I mean, you've got such a pretty face!" Yep, someone really did say that to me once! I guess he thought it was okay since I was drunk... I guess he figured I wouldn't remember it... Well, I do and now I hate to look at myself!!! I hate to think about what others see when they too look at me... What can a girl do when it doesn't come or come off easily??? Why are people so stupid???

When I start to think about the above, I wonder if anyone will ever want to marry me or be with someone who looks like I do... I mean, if I can't stand to look at me, how can a man??? Insecurities suck!!! People who speak without thinking suck!!! The pressures of the world suck... Being open sucks...

Finally thought:

"I may be down but I will rise. It may be dark but God is light."