nothing makes sense at the beginning of ww3

so, i kind of just need to rant. i don't know how much sense this will make, bear with me.

me. i don't know me. i don't feel like me. i'm not sure who i am. i thought that at one point i was so happy. now i feel like i haven't felt happy in a long time. i feel like one of my jobs just makes me so angry. the other job makes me long for children and nice ones at that (the kids i watch are a bit feisty). i go home and i see my niece.

my niece is so sweet! she's such a blessing to my family! her mother on the other hand is always out running around. it seems like she only spends time w/ the baby when she's forced to. i could be wrong, but this is my perspective, right? i can't say anything though, i'm not sure if it's my place.

i want kids so badly some days. my heart longs to be a mother and even a wife. i feel like it'll never happen though. i feel like it's just a dream. why? well, i feel like no one, apart from God, can love me in an intimate way. i'm so damaged. i'm not pretty enough. i'm always the best friend or the sister. i get along with guys but as nothing more than a friend. how can i have kids without being married (not a trick question, i can't).

well, for that much, i'm not sure i'll be able to have kids at all! my gyno has me so worried at times that i won't be able to have babies that every time i see a small child with their mom or a prego lady, i want to just explode. my doc thinks that i have endometriosis (my endometrium, or uterine lining, grows outside of my uterus). i have severe menstrual cycles and i'm taking birth control to keep it from being so bad. i'm trying to stop my cycle so i don't have cramps and etc. but by doing so, i stop ovulation and if i don't ovulate, i have no egg to eventually get fertilized. it's so fricking stupid! now, my family is more fertile than a rabbit but it still worries me!

one of my best friends is probably going to be dating this chick (who really hurt him once and pisses me off) and it sucks. i hate change and i hate feeling like i'm losing a friend! i'm used to things being one way and i hate when someone comes in and changes everything! GRRRRR!!!! i know that i need to get over it but it's not fair! i know about all the crap in his life, why does someone else need to too? not only that, but i get pushed aside every time he thinks she's "right for him." ugh. what is my problem?

i need something exciting to happen. i need change or something beautiful to come along and knock me out (figuratively).

i know, i'm probably just being emo because i'm getting ready to start. i really just need a cup of hot tea and a big hug! so, i'm gonna get the tea and go to bed. i'm praying that when i wake up, my prince will ride up in a nice car with a dozen white roses. Lord, is that too much to ask? ;)

Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright w/ Lyrics

"i'm not alright"

"i'm not alright, i'm broken inside... broken inside"... these words come from a sanctus real song. i feel lately like those words describe me best. actually, the whole song describes me best. i know tat we should go through broken periods on this journey, but should we be this way forever? i know we shouldn't but i don't feel like i ever fully heal up. this all hurts so bad. i don't even know what to do with all the pain. i'm so afraid!

i'm afraid of what goes in that empty spot once it's healed. i'm afraid of the outcome. what will people think and how will they react when i try to work things out? i really need a breakthrough. i need something good to happen to me. i need to walk out of this negativity. i need somehting different.

God, help me!