"just breathe"

my heart is a little heavy today. i feel as though i may cry at any moment. i received a message from a friend last night. they want to give up on god. they want to stop because they haven't felt him in a while and they are having a hard time. they want to let go and move on with out him. it breaks me! i want to break down.

i know, i need to start interceding. sometimes i just don't think about praying first. i normally stress out about it and when i can't deal any longer, i pray. so, for the first time, i'm praying first. i started this morning. i know, you probably think, "she's been a christian for how long and doesn't think to pray first?" well, i'm human. prayer is normally easy but when it comes to people who are tired of god, it's hard to go to him and talk about it.

anyway... i have a little confession. last night i was so tempted to cut! i wanted to go to my room and just slice away the frustration and anger. but i didn't! (thank you god for self control) i was beyond myself. it literally took all that was inside of me to breathe! i wanted to run. i wanted to scream! i've not felt that way in forever! i'm normally calm and cool. however, something got to me! after i realized that i was being crazy, i took a deep breath and moved on.

i just want to say, you don't know how strong you are until you are tested. you don't know how far you can go unless you take the first step. you never know what god has for you unless you ask. i know, i'm just dragging this out but it makes me feel better! it makes me feel good to get it all out!

so, i want to leave quoting Mother Teresa, "Thank God, that He still stoops down to take from me."

"Slow to anger?"

so, i'm working through the rest of the first chapter of james. i want to say that it still amazes me how i can read the same set of scripture a million times and still find something new in it... i love james and it always teaches me something. yesterday i got caught up on the first half of the first chapter, tonight it is the second half.

we are instructed to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. this makes me feel so convicted. i think about how many times i just want to talk, talk, talk and how hard it is for me to always do the listening. it also reminds me that i am quickly angered and sometimes over the dumbest things!

i don't think i've always been bad at listening but for some reason, i go through phases where i just want to be heard. i know that we all need to be heard but how much am i missing because i'm too busy talking? i know, i'm human but it's not an excuse.

so, i'm praying that the lord can help me be more aware of what people are saying and more importantly what the lord is saying. i'm also praying that my anger will also be controllable.

from now on, i am going to remember that, "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. (Thich Nhat Hanh)"

"Consider it pure joy when facing trials..."

so, i'm trying to get better about reading the bible (the word). right now i'm starting james. it's one of my favorite books of the bible! it normally speaks straight to my heart. that still stands true this evening. i want to share what it or rather, what god's speaking to me through this tonight. the verses are 2-7.

so, what is god saying to me? basically that we face trials in order to be strengthened. he doesn't want us to suffer! sometimes we face these trials because of things we have done. however, we know that god works all things to the good of those who love him. he's telling me to press through it; that once i make it through, i'll be strong and ready for tougher things.

once we let perseverance finish it's work in us, we'll be mature and lack nothing. how awesome will that be? i think that as we face different things and make it through, we grow in maturity. the more we go through, the more mature we will be. i don't necessarily think it's just a character maturity, but a spiritual maturity.

i don't like to go through trials. i don't like when hard things come my way. i think they suck but if it makes me stronger, maybe i should embrace them... maybe i should grab a hold of them and just deal with them. i can make it through all things and nothing is too hard with the lord on my side. i need to stop letting these things get to me. i need to stop letting those things get me down and keep me from doing what He wants me to do.

**Lord, please give me strength on this journey. bring me back to the heart of it all. please help me straighten out and persevere through all that comes my way!

"Isn't it funny..."

i was on facebook just a few minutes ago and was inspired by a friend to write this blog. he status began with, "isn't it funny how..." i don't remember the rest of it but it made me want to blog about all of the "isn't it funny" things in my life. so, here i go:

"isn't it funny..."

1. that the shower curtain in my bathroom needs to be replaced but no one does it
2. how it's supposed to be winter out but it's raining
3. how my car is twenty years old and only has a little over 12o,000 miles on it and no matter how badly i treat it (unintentionally), it is easily fixed and keeps on running
4. that someone dropped a pen in the toilet and now it won't flush right but no one will fix it
5. that i'm harder on myself than my parents
6. that i love the warm weather but live in a place that has all four seasons
7. that no matter how many times a person sins, God will forgive them
8. that i love pasta, bread, and rice but i can't eat it because it makes me fat
9. that i work in retail but hate selling things
10. that i'm making a list of things that are funny...

so, i couldn't come up with a lot of ironically funny things, but this is a start.

"you bleed just to know you're alive"

i have something i want to voice. so, here i go:

i hate when people who cut are misunderstood!!! it drives me soo stinking nuts! i mean, most don't do it for attention! they do it because they are hurting and broken and need a way to release pain! even when they are suicidal, they don't really want to die. they just want to be free of the pain inside of them that they can't release; the pain that constantly nags at them! cutting feels good for a while.

it's a cry for help! it's a cry to be normal. and for a while, they feel that freedom; they feel the release. it helps them deal when things get rough. it helps them focus. it helps them think clearly!

the ones who don't do it for attention hide the cutting as best they can. they put it in places you'd never expect them to be! they do it under their breasts, on their thighs, and sometimes in worse places! they hurt to be painless. they hide it with long sleeves, jeans, and fake smiles.

how do i know all of this? because i did it! i cut to not be so stressed; to feel like i was alive. i didn't want people to know but they had to or i'd never have been set free! i'm not saying that cutting is ok or acceptable! i'm just saying that if you don't ask them why they do it, don't judge them. don't accuse them of searching for attention! don't look down on them!

give them a chance to tell their story. be open and offer a helping hand and accountability! i want to leave you with the lyrics to a goo-goo doll's song:
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

no gas = time to think

so, on my way to work, i ran out of gas... i was so frustrated! i kept thinking about how if i hadn't waited and had gotten it when i first thought about it, it wouldn't have happened! so, since i had thirty minutes until my sister got there with gas, i updated my facebook status. the first time it was something along the lines of, "why do i procrastinate? maybe one of these days i will learn..."

i text my mom and told her that i couldn't believe that no one had stopped to see if they could help. i text a friend and told her i was stuck and how bad it sucked. and after about twenty-five minutes and thirty cars later, a nice older man stopped to see if he could help. i told him that i had someone coming to help me and that i appreciated the offer. he said to me, "hey, i've been there. i know what it's like and i try to stop when i can because that's what i would want of someone else."

my heart sank a little. i felt eternally grateful! i thanked him at least ten times and waved as he pulled away. my hope in people was redeemed. my whole attitude changed. it reminded me that i am just like all of those other people who just drive pass those who are broken down. how many people could i have helped? how many people had to just sit there because they weren't as lucky as i was to have a cell phone?

from now on, i want to try to have the courage to stop and help those who are stranded. i want to be more aware of what is going on around me. i know that if jesus was walking the earth right now, he would stop. he would give money or food to the homeless and the hitchhikers. he wouldn't think about how late he was going to be to places or how hungry he himself was. he would sacrifice for the good of those around him.

i know i can't save the world or touch everyone with the love of christ. however, i do know that i can make a difference and if that means letting someone borrow a cell phone or handing out cookies to the homeless or those hitchhiking, then i'll do it! sign me up now! i want to do as much as i can while i still have time to do it.

god has given me but a short time on earth. so, i want to use my time wisely. i challenge you, are you using your time and resources wisely? here's one final thought before i let you go:
"2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2