ramblings

GAH! im at work and its super slow. i have stuff on my mind but i cant think straight. i have a killer headache and neck ache. i think my sinus junk is being crazy and i need a neck adjustment. im going to call and see if i can get in to my chiropractor on tuesday.

i think what sucks the most about being slow at work is that my mind is everywhere, thinking about everything. i think about the future and where i would like to go. i think about the present and all of the things i still need to do. i also think about the past and all of the things i miss. im pretty happy with the present.

i just recently moved in with a couple of friends from church. i love the house. i love the peace and love that radiate from it. i feel safe and home. i feel accepted and wanted. i live closer to people. its nice all around.

i think from here on out im going to rant and just say everything that is on my mind. im sorry if it doesnt make sense to you.

last night i talked to an old friend. he and i dated. it was short lived and i found myself thinking, "what the heck kind of crack was i smoking." ha ha! it was good though. i felt awful afterwards though. he is in a dark place and feels like he doesnt know how to get out. i think he knows. i also think that this dark place is easier and more comfortable than getting straight. i kind of told him that. for the most part, i just listened to him. i wanted to hug him tight and tell him that itd be ok. i wanted to tell him that he isnt alone and hasnt been rejected. i didnt though. i told him that i didnt know what to say to him.

i told him i didnt have the answers. i mean, i don't have the answers. i dont know what to tell him. i know that he has to want jesus and that relationship again and that until he is willing to give up all of the worldly things, he wont have that. he knows that. i know he knows that. i hope he doesnt mess around forever.

talking to him made me think about all friendships. im thankful for the old ones but im so excited for the new ones im cultivating! i should do some work.

long time coming...

it's about 3 am and i'm at work, sitting on a comp chair at the desk. i should probably go finish up laundry, but i wanted to take a minute and get some things off my chest. i don't know what my problem is lately. i feel alone.

even when i'm with people, i feel like it's just me. this all may just be hormonal (ww3 has broken out). i'm trying to snap out of it but it's not that easy. what is my problem? i think i made things really awkward at dinner tonight with my friend because even though i wanted to be with her, i felt like i had nothing to say... i will prob end up talking to her, i don't want things to be weird.

it's been a while since i've blogged. things have changed. my retail job is done. they closed our store down. it was crazy though. i filled out applications and everyone said they weren't hiring but would keep my app on file (which means nothing). so, i tried hard not to stress out about it. i believed that God had it all under control. it was starting to get hard though bc everyone else was kind of stressing for me.

they kept asking me what i was going to do. and i kept telling them that i had no idea but i believed that God did. the last week i was at my retail job, i semi started to panic. i think on my last saturday there i got a phone call from a hotel for an interview.

they wanted me to come in on monday and talk to the gm. so on monday, i got dressed up and took my butt in, fingers crossed and all. she interviewed me and got all of my info for a background check and then asked me when i could start if she decided to hire me. i told her that my last day was thursday and that friday would work. she let me know that she'd call me in the next couple of days to let me know either way. so, the waiting began. i think it was wednesday while i was at work when i got the call. I GOT THE JOB!

it was awesome! as one door closed, another one literally opened! i had never seen something like that happen before SO quickly! i'm so glad i didn't worry about it! God pulled through and my faith was strengthened! :D

i've been here for a little over a month and i really enjoy it. the people i work with are really nice and very funny! there are a few that challenge me but we all need a few "grace growers" in our lives! :)

i'm trying to change who i am. not in a weird way but in the "God has called me to be better" kind of way. there are character flaws that have got to change! i need to stop complaining, judging, and some other things that i cant really think of right now bc i'm getting tired. lol!

i'm trying to take life one day at a time and not get discouraged when things dont go my way. i'm also trying to realize that people are busy and that they arent not talking to me or spending time with me bc of anything ive done but bc they just dont have the time to. i guess i'm learning to be alone again.

part of me wants to withdrawl and just not hang out with anyone ever while another part of me understands how life can be. im praying for strength and wisdom. i'm also trying to remind myself daily that its not all about me. ;)

"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with."
~Wayne Dyer

codependency sucks!

i dont know where im going with this. its after midnight and im emotional. i think i am codependent on someone and i hate it! i hate feeling like i need someone to be in my life. it feels like if they left, id fall apart! how can i spend my life like this? it makes no sense.

i call this person my best friend. i tell them everything! they are the first person i think to call when something funny or exciting happens. i hold nothing back. now, there are a few things ive never told them but somethings dont change friendships. (hope that makes sense) i talk to this person more than anyone else i know.

we argue like no one's business and sometimes threaten bodily harm (which isnt ever going to happen, dont worry). we laugh together, and they listen to me cry. neither of us always know what to say to the other but normally lend an ear.

i want to cut this person out of my life because i dont know how else to cut our talk time. i also dont want to feel like i cant survive without someone! what is my problem? why do i feel so out of control? someone, please help me here! codependency sucks!

"smother" us lord

so, for about a year, i have been leading a college and career group at my church. sometimes i don't feel like it makes much difference because my friends are the ones that attend and i figure that they would come no matter what. you know, as a way to show me that they support me in all that i do. however, a couple of other girls (one i kind of knew and the other i didn't know at all) started coming to group.

one of the girls was home for summer break from college and the other just recently got saved and started coming. they are both such great girls! i wish the one didn't have to go back to school so soon!

anyway, God has really been showing me that this group is great! not because i'm leading. i mean, it has nothing to do with me! i literally just go and say what God tells me to or do what He's led me to do. how affective it is has to do with Him and the openness of the others. so, i guess i want to share with you a couple of things He has or is showing me.

He is showing me that obedience is what is important! i may not know what is going on, but i do know that He is always working around me! i should know that He has something bigger than i can ever imagine going on behind the scenes! from now on, i just need to do and not worry! He has everything under control!

he has also shown me that our little group is so loving! its like we are forming a little family! everyone who comes in and goes out will be apart of us forever! we will be brothers and sisters and we should love one another like it.

one of the girls said she felt trapped by God. i feel like God spoke to me in the shower today and told me to tell her that we are not trapped, but that He is smothering us... now, when i hear smother, i think of food... i know, how ridiculous, but i'm so serious! now, maybe God spoke to me using food, because i love to eat or maybe it was the easiest... i guess it doesn't matter. anyway, i feel like by using "smother," He's saying that He totally covers us! saturates us almost. from head to toe. there is nothing we can do to get him off and it's ok... it makes me think of psalm 139:7-12:

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

so, that, for the most part, is what i feel like He is saying to me. i know He is not done speaking to me, but for not, i must go.

two days until hillsongs live, three day at work, five days w/ the boys, and seven days until vacation...

so, the other day, i was on facebook chatting with a close friend and typed, "WHOA!!" at that moment, i realized that when i use exclamatory statements, i totally say them out loud!! it made me laugh soooo hard that i couldn't type for like two minutes. i know i'm not the only one who does silly things like this but i had to share it! so, just know that if i ever type or text things that are exciting, i'm probably saying them at my computer screen! :)

okay, now the real thought. i only have two days until hillsong live, three days at my one job, five days w/ the boys, and seven days until vacation! oh my goodness (totally said out loud)!!! i am soooo stinking excited! i cannot wait to go on vacation! my whole summer has been waiting on it to come! it is going to be so good to get away from stress.

we are going to the outer banks. so, that week will be sun, sand, and lots of laughter!! i'm going with three girls from church. they have been my life support for the last few years. i have learned a great deal from them and i'm sure i would have done all kinds of crazy if they hadn't reached out to me when i came home from nannying!

so, if you girls read my blog, THANK YOU!!! i couldn't have made it without you! :)

i wish i wasn't so tired. if i wasn't, i'd share with you what God is doing in my life. maybe next time! :)

"When people are laughing, they are generally not killing each other," alan alda.

nothing makes sense at the beginning of ww3

so, i kind of just need to rant. i don't know how much sense this will make, bear with me.

me. i don't know me. i don't feel like me. i'm not sure who i am. i thought that at one point i was so happy. now i feel like i haven't felt happy in a long time. i feel like one of my jobs just makes me so angry. the other job makes me long for children and nice ones at that (the kids i watch are a bit feisty). i go home and i see my niece.

my niece is so sweet! she's such a blessing to my family! her mother on the other hand is always out running around. it seems like she only spends time w/ the baby when she's forced to. i could be wrong, but this is my perspective, right? i can't say anything though, i'm not sure if it's my place.

i want kids so badly some days. my heart longs to be a mother and even a wife. i feel like it'll never happen though. i feel like it's just a dream. why? well, i feel like no one, apart from God, can love me in an intimate way. i'm so damaged. i'm not pretty enough. i'm always the best friend or the sister. i get along with guys but as nothing more than a friend. how can i have kids without being married (not a trick question, i can't).

well, for that much, i'm not sure i'll be able to have kids at all! my gyno has me so worried at times that i won't be able to have babies that every time i see a small child with their mom or a prego lady, i want to just explode. my doc thinks that i have endometriosis (my endometrium, or uterine lining, grows outside of my uterus). i have severe menstrual cycles and i'm taking birth control to keep it from being so bad. i'm trying to stop my cycle so i don't have cramps and etc. but by doing so, i stop ovulation and if i don't ovulate, i have no egg to eventually get fertilized. it's so fricking stupid! now, my family is more fertile than a rabbit but it still worries me!

one of my best friends is probably going to be dating this chick (who really hurt him once and pisses me off) and it sucks. i hate change and i hate feeling like i'm losing a friend! i'm used to things being one way and i hate when someone comes in and changes everything! GRRRRR!!!! i know that i need to get over it but it's not fair! i know about all the crap in his life, why does someone else need to too? not only that, but i get pushed aside every time he thinks she's "right for him." ugh. what is my problem?

i need something exciting to happen. i need change or something beautiful to come along and knock me out (figuratively).

i know, i'm probably just being emo because i'm getting ready to start. i really just need a cup of hot tea and a big hug! so, i'm gonna get the tea and go to bed. i'm praying that when i wake up, my prince will ride up in a nice car with a dozen white roses. Lord, is that too much to ask? ;)

Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright w/ Lyrics