it's about 3 am and i'm at work, sitting on a comp chair at the desk. i should probably go finish up laundry, but i wanted to take a minute and get some things off my chest. i don't know what my problem is lately. i feel alone.
even when i'm with people, i feel like it's just me. this all may just be hormonal (ww3 has broken out). i'm trying to snap out of it but it's not that easy. what is my problem? i think i made things really awkward at dinner tonight with my friend because even though i wanted to be with her, i felt like i had nothing to say... i will prob end up talking to her, i don't want things to be weird.
it's been a while since i've blogged. things have changed. my retail job is done. they closed our store down. it was crazy though. i filled out applications and everyone said they weren't hiring but would keep my app on file (which means nothing). so, i tried hard not to stress out about it. i believed that God had it all under control. it was starting to get hard though bc everyone else was kind of stressing for me.
they kept asking me what i was going to do. and i kept telling them that i had no idea but i believed that God did. the last week i was at my retail job, i semi started to panic. i think on my last saturday there i got a phone call from a hotel for an interview.
they wanted me to come in on monday and talk to the gm. so on monday, i got dressed up and took my butt in, fingers crossed and all. she interviewed me and got all of my info for a background check and then asked me when i could start if she decided to hire me. i told her that my last day was thursday and that friday would work. she let me know that she'd call me in the next couple of days to let me know either way. so, the waiting began. i think it was wednesday while i was at work when i got the call. I GOT THE JOB!
it was awesome! as one door closed, another one literally opened! i had never seen something like that happen before SO quickly! i'm so glad i didn't worry about it! God pulled through and my faith was strengthened! :D
i've been here for a little over a month and i really enjoy it. the people i work with are really nice and very funny! there are a few that challenge me but we all need a few "grace growers" in our lives! :)
i'm trying to change who i am. not in a weird way but in the "God has called me to be better" kind of way. there are character flaws that have got to change! i need to stop complaining, judging, and some other things that i cant really think of right now bc i'm getting tired. lol!
i'm trying to take life one day at a time and not get discouraged when things dont go my way. i'm also trying to realize that people are busy and that they arent not talking to me or spending time with me bc of anything ive done but bc they just dont have the time to. i guess i'm learning to be alone again.
part of me wants to withdrawl and just not hang out with anyone ever while another part of me understands how life can be. im praying for strength and wisdom. i'm also trying to remind myself daily that its not all about me. ;)
"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with."
~Wayne Dyer
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
codependency sucks!
i dont know where im going with this. its after midnight and im emotional. i think i am codependent on someone and i hate it! i hate feeling like i need someone to be in my life. it feels like if they left, id fall apart! how can i spend my life like this? it makes no sense.
i call this person my best friend. i tell them everything! they are the first person i think to call when something funny or exciting happens. i hold nothing back. now, there are a few things ive never told them but somethings dont change friendships. (hope that makes sense) i talk to this person more than anyone else i know.
we argue like no one's business and sometimes threaten bodily harm (which isnt ever going to happen, dont worry). we laugh together, and they listen to me cry. neither of us always know what to say to the other but normally lend an ear.
i want to cut this person out of my life because i dont know how else to cut our talk time. i also dont want to feel like i cant survive without someone! what is my problem? why do i feel so out of control? someone, please help me here! codependency sucks!
i call this person my best friend. i tell them everything! they are the first person i think to call when something funny or exciting happens. i hold nothing back. now, there are a few things ive never told them but somethings dont change friendships. (hope that makes sense) i talk to this person more than anyone else i know.
we argue like no one's business and sometimes threaten bodily harm (which isnt ever going to happen, dont worry). we laugh together, and they listen to me cry. neither of us always know what to say to the other but normally lend an ear.
i want to cut this person out of my life because i dont know how else to cut our talk time. i also dont want to feel like i cant survive without someone! what is my problem? why do i feel so out of control? someone, please help me here! codependency sucks!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
"smother" us lord
so, for about a year, i have been leading a college and career group at my church. sometimes i don't feel like it makes much difference because my friends are the ones that attend and i figure that they would come no matter what. you know, as a way to show me that they support me in all that i do. however, a couple of other girls (one i kind of knew and the other i didn't know at all) started coming to group.
one of the girls was home for summer break from college and the other just recently got saved and started coming. they are both such great girls! i wish the one didn't have to go back to school so soon!
anyway, God has really been showing me that this group is great! not because i'm leading. i mean, it has nothing to do with me! i literally just go and say what God tells me to or do what He's led me to do. how affective it is has to do with Him and the openness of the others. so, i guess i want to share with you a couple of things He has or is showing me.
He is showing me that obedience is what is important! i may not know what is going on, but i do know that He is always working around me! i should know that He has something bigger than i can ever imagine going on behind the scenes! from now on, i just need to do and not worry! He has everything under control!
he has also shown me that our little group is so loving! its like we are forming a little family! everyone who comes in and goes out will be apart of us forever! we will be brothers and sisters and we should love one another like it.
one of the girls said she felt trapped by God. i feel like God spoke to me in the shower today and told me to tell her that we are not trapped, but that He is smothering us... now, when i hear smother, i think of food... i know, how ridiculous, but i'm so serious! now, maybe God spoke to me using food, because i love to eat or maybe it was the easiest... i guess it doesn't matter. anyway, i feel like by using "smother," He's saying that He totally covers us! saturates us almost. from head to toe. there is nothing we can do to get him off and it's ok... it makes me think of psalm 139:7-12:
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
so, that, for the most part, is what i feel like He is saying to me. i know He is not done speaking to me, but for not, i must go.
one of the girls was home for summer break from college and the other just recently got saved and started coming. they are both such great girls! i wish the one didn't have to go back to school so soon!
anyway, God has really been showing me that this group is great! not because i'm leading. i mean, it has nothing to do with me! i literally just go and say what God tells me to or do what He's led me to do. how affective it is has to do with Him and the openness of the others. so, i guess i want to share with you a couple of things He has or is showing me.
He is showing me that obedience is what is important! i may not know what is going on, but i do know that He is always working around me! i should know that He has something bigger than i can ever imagine going on behind the scenes! from now on, i just need to do and not worry! He has everything under control!
he has also shown me that our little group is so loving! its like we are forming a little family! everyone who comes in and goes out will be apart of us forever! we will be brothers and sisters and we should love one another like it.
one of the girls said she felt trapped by God. i feel like God spoke to me in the shower today and told me to tell her that we are not trapped, but that He is smothering us... now, when i hear smother, i think of food... i know, how ridiculous, but i'm so serious! now, maybe God spoke to me using food, because i love to eat or maybe it was the easiest... i guess it doesn't matter. anyway, i feel like by using "smother," He's saying that He totally covers us! saturates us almost. from head to toe. there is nothing we can do to get him off and it's ok... it makes me think of psalm 139:7-12:
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
so, that, for the most part, is what i feel like He is saying to me. i know He is not done speaking to me, but for not, i must go.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
two days until hillsongs live, three day at work, five days w/ the boys, and seven days until vacation...
so, the other day, i was on facebook chatting with a close friend and typed, "WHOA!!" at that moment, i realized that when i use exclamatory statements, i totally say them out loud!! it made me laugh soooo hard that i couldn't type for like two minutes. i know i'm not the only one who does silly things like this but i had to share it! so, just know that if i ever type or text things that are exciting, i'm probably saying them at my computer screen! :)
okay, now the real thought. i only have two days until hillsong live, three days at my one job, five days w/ the boys, and seven days until vacation! oh my goodness (totally said out loud)!!! i am soooo stinking excited! i cannot wait to go on vacation! my whole summer has been waiting on it to come! it is going to be so good to get away from stress.
we are going to the outer banks. so, that week will be sun, sand, and lots of laughter!! i'm going with three girls from church. they have been my life support for the last few years. i have learned a great deal from them and i'm sure i would have done all kinds of crazy if they hadn't reached out to me when i came home from nannying!
so, if you girls read my blog, THANK YOU!!! i couldn't have made it without you! :)
i wish i wasn't so tired. if i wasn't, i'd share with you what God is doing in my life. maybe next time! :)
"When people are laughing, they are generally not killing each other," alan alda.
okay, now the real thought. i only have two days until hillsong live, three days at my one job, five days w/ the boys, and seven days until vacation! oh my goodness (totally said out loud)!!! i am soooo stinking excited! i cannot wait to go on vacation! my whole summer has been waiting on it to come! it is going to be so good to get away from stress.
we are going to the outer banks. so, that week will be sun, sand, and lots of laughter!! i'm going with three girls from church. they have been my life support for the last few years. i have learned a great deal from them and i'm sure i would have done all kinds of crazy if they hadn't reached out to me when i came home from nannying!
so, if you girls read my blog, THANK YOU!!! i couldn't have made it without you! :)
i wish i wasn't so tired. if i wasn't, i'd share with you what God is doing in my life. maybe next time! :)
"When people are laughing, they are generally not killing each other," alan alda.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
nothing makes sense at the beginning of ww3
so, i kind of just need to rant. i don't know how much sense this will make, bear with me.
me. i don't know me. i don't feel like me. i'm not sure who i am. i thought that at one point i was so happy. now i feel like i haven't felt happy in a long time. i feel like one of my jobs just makes me so angry. the other job makes me long for children and nice ones at that (the kids i watch are a bit feisty). i go home and i see my niece.
my niece is so sweet! she's such a blessing to my family! her mother on the other hand is always out running around. it seems like she only spends time w/ the baby when she's forced to. i could be wrong, but this is my perspective, right? i can't say anything though, i'm not sure if it's my place.
i want kids so badly some days. my heart longs to be a mother and even a wife. i feel like it'll never happen though. i feel like it's just a dream. why? well, i feel like no one, apart from God, can love me in an intimate way. i'm so damaged. i'm not pretty enough. i'm always the best friend or the sister. i get along with guys but as nothing more than a friend. how can i have kids without being married (not a trick question, i can't).
well, for that much, i'm not sure i'll be able to have kids at all! my gyno has me so worried at times that i won't be able to have babies that every time i see a small child with their mom or a prego lady, i want to just explode. my doc thinks that i have endometriosis (my endometrium, or uterine lining, grows outside of my uterus). i have severe menstrual cycles and i'm taking birth control to keep it from being so bad. i'm trying to stop my cycle so i don't have cramps and etc. but by doing so, i stop ovulation and if i don't ovulate, i have no egg to eventually get fertilized. it's so fricking stupid! now, my family is more fertile than a rabbit but it still worries me!
one of my best friends is probably going to be dating this chick (who really hurt him once and pisses me off) and it sucks. i hate change and i hate feeling like i'm losing a friend! i'm used to things being one way and i hate when someone comes in and changes everything! GRRRRR!!!! i know that i need to get over it but it's not fair! i know about all the crap in his life, why does someone else need to too? not only that, but i get pushed aside every time he thinks she's "right for him." ugh. what is my problem?
i need something exciting to happen. i need change or something beautiful to come along and knock me out (figuratively).
i know, i'm probably just being emo because i'm getting ready to start. i really just need a cup of hot tea and a big hug! so, i'm gonna get the tea and go to bed. i'm praying that when i wake up, my prince will ride up in a nice car with a dozen white roses. Lord, is that too much to ask? ;)
me. i don't know me. i don't feel like me. i'm not sure who i am. i thought that at one point i was so happy. now i feel like i haven't felt happy in a long time. i feel like one of my jobs just makes me so angry. the other job makes me long for children and nice ones at that (the kids i watch are a bit feisty). i go home and i see my niece.
my niece is so sweet! she's such a blessing to my family! her mother on the other hand is always out running around. it seems like she only spends time w/ the baby when she's forced to. i could be wrong, but this is my perspective, right? i can't say anything though, i'm not sure if it's my place.
i want kids so badly some days. my heart longs to be a mother and even a wife. i feel like it'll never happen though. i feel like it's just a dream. why? well, i feel like no one, apart from God, can love me in an intimate way. i'm so damaged. i'm not pretty enough. i'm always the best friend or the sister. i get along with guys but as nothing more than a friend. how can i have kids without being married (not a trick question, i can't).
well, for that much, i'm not sure i'll be able to have kids at all! my gyno has me so worried at times that i won't be able to have babies that every time i see a small child with their mom or a prego lady, i want to just explode. my doc thinks that i have endometriosis (my endometrium, or uterine lining, grows outside of my uterus). i have severe menstrual cycles and i'm taking birth control to keep it from being so bad. i'm trying to stop my cycle so i don't have cramps and etc. but by doing so, i stop ovulation and if i don't ovulate, i have no egg to eventually get fertilized. it's so fricking stupid! now, my family is more fertile than a rabbit but it still worries me!
one of my best friends is probably going to be dating this chick (who really hurt him once and pisses me off) and it sucks. i hate change and i hate feeling like i'm losing a friend! i'm used to things being one way and i hate when someone comes in and changes everything! GRRRRR!!!! i know that i need to get over it but it's not fair! i know about all the crap in his life, why does someone else need to too? not only that, but i get pushed aside every time he thinks she's "right for him." ugh. what is my problem?
i need something exciting to happen. i need change or something beautiful to come along and knock me out (figuratively).
i know, i'm probably just being emo because i'm getting ready to start. i really just need a cup of hot tea and a big hug! so, i'm gonna get the tea and go to bed. i'm praying that when i wake up, my prince will ride up in a nice car with a dozen white roses. Lord, is that too much to ask? ;)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
"i'm not alright"
"i'm not alright, i'm broken inside... broken inside"... these words come from a sanctus real song. i feel lately like those words describe me best. actually, the whole song describes me best. i know tat we should go through broken periods on this journey, but should we be this way forever? i know we shouldn't but i don't feel like i ever fully heal up. this all hurts so bad. i don't even know what to do with all the pain. i'm so afraid!
i'm afraid of what goes in that empty spot once it's healed. i'm afraid of the outcome. what will people think and how will they react when i try to work things out? i really need a breakthrough. i need something good to happen to me. i need to walk out of this negativity. i need somehting different.
God, help me!
i'm afraid of what goes in that empty spot once it's healed. i'm afraid of the outcome. what will people think and how will they react when i try to work things out? i really need a breakthrough. i need something good to happen to me. i need to walk out of this negativity. i need somehting different.
God, help me!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
oh alice, how did you do it?
so, lately i've been feeling a little alice from alice in wonderland. i feel like i've fallen down a rabbit hole. i feel like i'm spinning and spinning out of control! it's as if i'm falling and falling and i've no idea where i'm going to land. what if there's nothing soft at the bottom to catch me? what if i get caught on a branch halfway down and i'm stuck there forever? then i think, "if i fall and something soft catches me at the bottom, what happens next?" what becomes of me at the bottom? if i survive the fall, will i survive life in the rabbit hole? will i make it alone or will i need some help; if i need help, will there be anyone there to assist me? this whole thing is so scary. what if i don't make it? what if i get lost? will this fall be worth it in the end? oh alice, how did you do it?
Monday, June 20, 2011
ramblings of a pissed off woman, pt 1
so, i feel so angry! i'm not really sure why. everything i think and feel is all jumbled up inside of my mind. i think i'm just going to let it all out. so, here it is:
- i'm so tired of people promising to be there and then theyre not! what the heck? if you say youre there, be there! if i say ill be there, i am.
- if you don't understand what im saying, just fricking tell me. dont let me go on and on if you dont fricking know! tell me so i can clarify.
- if i share how i feel w/ you, dont judge me or look at me like im an idiot. if you dont agree w/ the way i feel, deal w/ it. i really just need someone to listen to me.
- i think about cutting ALL THE TIME!!!! you don't know this bc you dont care enough to listen. if you do care, ive prob not told you bc i dont want to stress you out. or im afraid youll judge me for being so weak.
- i want to say screw it all!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
what do i want to be???
so, i was having lunch with a dear friend, when she asked me what i was planning on doing. she was talking about furthering my education because the last time we had talked i had mentioned going to school. i think i just rolled my eyes and said, "well..." our conversation proceeded and i told her i wasn't sure what i wanted to do with my life.
i know i need to go on and do the whole "school" thing. however, i don't want to go and waste money if i don't even know why i'm going. maybe i try too hard to figure things out that i miss what God is saying, or maybe i know what i'm to do but so afraid to do it... gah!!!
why be afraid? well, right after high school i was in a ministry program. after i completed it, i went on to college. i did really good for the first quarter, but as the quarter ended and i continued on with the semester, i started slacking. i became very depressed and let my grades go. it was such a fail!
i can't forget it. i know that the past is the past and that i must let it go but when you fail so terribly and you know that history tends to repeat itself, it's hard to try it again. now, i know that things are different and that i'm not the same person i was, but it's so scary!
what do i want to be? i don't think i totally know. i know i don't want to do anything with health care, business, or even education. i'm scared to choose the wrong thing. lord, i just want to do what is right.
well, i can't spend my whole life in fear. i need to just get this ball rolling! so, i'm going to enroll for fall classes and try to start over. if i don't, i'm going to be miserable and i'm tired of feeling like i'm settling in life because i let fear control me!
so, i don't know what i want to be and i don't even know if i know who i am... however, i do know that i can't waste any more time!
i know i need to go on and do the whole "school" thing. however, i don't want to go and waste money if i don't even know why i'm going. maybe i try too hard to figure things out that i miss what God is saying, or maybe i know what i'm to do but so afraid to do it... gah!!!
why be afraid? well, right after high school i was in a ministry program. after i completed it, i went on to college. i did really good for the first quarter, but as the quarter ended and i continued on with the semester, i started slacking. i became very depressed and let my grades go. it was such a fail!
i can't forget it. i know that the past is the past and that i must let it go but when you fail so terribly and you know that history tends to repeat itself, it's hard to try it again. now, i know that things are different and that i'm not the same person i was, but it's so scary!
what do i want to be? i don't think i totally know. i know i don't want to do anything with health care, business, or even education. i'm scared to choose the wrong thing. lord, i just want to do what is right.
well, i can't spend my whole life in fear. i need to just get this ball rolling! so, i'm going to enroll for fall classes and try to start over. if i don't, i'm going to be miserable and i'm tired of feeling like i'm settling in life because i let fear control me!
so, i don't know what i want to be and i don't even know if i know who i am... however, i do know that i can't waste any more time!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
March 23, 2011
the Lord spoke through song lyrics: "the same power that conquered the grave lives in me, lives in me; your love that rescued the earth lives in me, lives in me" what God said: sometimes we pray for God to come down and heal. we pray for God to love on our family and friends, to love on the hurting and broken. we pray for Him to come down. but really, He's already here! He lives in us; among us! He's waiting on us to take the power He's put inside of us. we need to start loving people w/ HIS love! praying w/ faith for healing. we need to start being Jesus!!!!
march 17, 2011
a dream i had: it was a girl's wedding day. she was running around like a crazy lady! things weren't totally together. it also seemed like the things that were together kept falling a part! the bride was trying so hard to get everything together. she was having such a hard time staying calm. everyone was trying to help but nothing was helping. so, they finally got her fiance. when he got to her, she was almost in tears! you could see the stress on her face. he walked over to her, grabbed a hold of her and comforted her! he gave her peace and pure love! he let her know that it was ok. he kept telling her that it would all be ok. she told him that she just wanted everything to be perfect for him. he chuckled at the words. it made her a little frustrated so she pulled away. he grabbed her again and told her: "my love, it will be perfect! do you know why? because i'm marrying you! dear, nothing can ruin today! there is nothing that can make today imperfect because you are here with me!" they hugged and it was over. I felt like God was saying: *things don't have to be perfect! you don't have to be perfect! i love you just the way you are! nothing can keep you from me! nothing can keep you from me! dear, you are all i want and i'm all that you need! stop trying to get everything perfect! stop trying to have everything "just right". come to me just as you are! i love you! i love you just the way you are! *verses: romans 8:35-38, matthew 11:28-30
March 26, 2011
here's a picture God showed me: there was a child with a giant cereal box. she had both of her arms inside of the box. she was searching for the prize in the bottom. she really wants the prize. she's digging and digging. she gets really frustrated and is ready to be done with it. so, what does she do? does she give up? NO!!! when a child really wants something, they don't give up! so, she turns the box over! when the cereal is all poured out, she begins to push through the cereal until she finds the prize! she never gave up! she never stopped searching! I felt like God was saying that life is like the box that holds the cereal. all the stuff in life is the cereal. sometimes life is the good cereal that we love and other times, it's the gross kind that our parents bought because it was on sale. He was saying that in life, HE is the prize. He's in the good "cereal" and in the bad/gross "cereal." He wants us to search like the child did! even when the "cereal" is bad, a kid will still look for the prize! He wants us to really search for Him, the prize when the "cereal" is bad! He makes all things worth it! He tells us that if we seek, to keep seeking and we'll find it! (mt 7:7-12) we need to keep seeking, to keep knocking, and to keep asking! He'll make all the "cereal" worth it!
March 9, 2011
Dream God gave me: I was a brede at my wedding. The groom & I got married & proceeded to the reception. We danced all of the important dances & seemed to be having a lot of fun. Then I noticed that I couldn't find him. So I went looking for him. When I found him, he was w/ another woman. She was his girlfriend. He seemed to really care for her. They looked like they were in love. I felt soooo hurt & heart broken! It was out of control! I couldn't believe it! I mean, we had just committed our lives to each other. We'd promised to honor, obey, & love forever! Here's what I felf God say: "Nikki, haven't you done the same to me? Haven't you made a vow w/ me? Promised yourself to me; marred me & then given your heart to someone/something else?! You only love me w/ half of you! You're luke-warm. Why do you make me promises you don't intend to keep? why do you never keep your word? I'd rather you make no promise than break your word!" Verse I felt Him speak: Ecclesiastes 5:4-6 "So, when you make a promise to God, don't delay in following through, for Godtakes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to Him! It is better to say nothing than to promise something that you don't follow through on. In such cases, your mouth is making you sin. And don't defend yourself by telling the Temple messenger that the promise you made was a mistake. That would make God angry, & He might wipe out everthing you've achieved." Revelation 3:15-16 "I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were either one or the other! But since you are like luke-warm water, I will spit you out of my mouth!"
March 2, 2011
the Lord showed me this picture: the group (youth group) was circled around the sanctuary. they were circling & it was so cool! so, i went to lana & told her. she looked at me & said something along the lines of, "make it happen." she pointed to the microphone. i told the group that i felt like we should have those who were struggling, having a hard time getting to God, and hurting stand together. i felt like the rest of us needed to circle around them & pray.it was going to be a time of breaking down walls. a time for freedom to be received. so we did it! it was awesome! it was so amazingly great! you could feel the Lord moving so powerfully! it was crazy. at one point, everyone began to scream out prayers. you could feel the breaking! it almost knocked me down! as we were beginning to circle, i felt like God also said that it was going to be a "Walls of Jericho" kind of experience! there were two other things i felt God say. 1. as i prayed, i kept repeating, "Lord, what you undo, cannot me re-done! what you break cannot be put back together!" *the supporting verses are from Revelation 3: "What he opens, no one can shut, & what he shuts no on can open." 2. we don't have to look to the past to figure out who we are! he has made us new! *supporting verses from 2 Corinthians 5:17: "therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."
August 23, 2010
the picture the Lord showed me: there was a bride & groom. the groom had a hold of the bride's hand. he was standing slightly in front of her. he was looking back at her, waiting on her to walk forward with him. i felt God speak these things to me:
- why are you so reluctant? what is holding you back? at one time you were so eager to be w/ me. you were content spending all your time focusing on our love, our relationship. why have you stopped being so full of me? so consumed w/ me... you need to come back to your first love. come back to me w/ your whole self! stop searching for your "mate"! stop looking & he'll find you!
- This will all work out! don't stress or worry about it! stop filling that hole w/ other things and fill it w/ me!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"just breathe"
my heart is a little heavy today. i feel as though i may cry at any moment. i received a message from a friend last night. they want to give up on god. they want to stop because they haven't felt him in a while and they are having a hard time. they want to let go and move on with out him. it breaks me! i want to break down.
i know, i need to start interceding. sometimes i just don't think about praying first. i normally stress out about it and when i can't deal any longer, i pray. so, for the first time, i'm praying first. i started this morning. i know, you probably think, "she's been a christian for how long and doesn't think to pray first?" well, i'm human. prayer is normally easy but when it comes to people who are tired of god, it's hard to go to him and talk about it.
anyway... i have a little confession. last night i was so tempted to cut! i wanted to go to my room and just slice away the frustration and anger. but i didn't! (thank you god for self control) i was beyond myself. it literally took all that was inside of me to breathe! i wanted to run. i wanted to scream! i've not felt that way in forever! i'm normally calm and cool. however, something got to me! after i realized that i was being crazy, i took a deep breath and moved on.
i just want to say, you don't know how strong you are until you are tested. you don't know how far you can go unless you take the first step. you never know what god has for you unless you ask. i know, i'm just dragging this out but it makes me feel better! it makes me feel good to get it all out!
so, i want to leave quoting Mother Teresa, "Thank God, that He still stoops down to take from me."
i know, i need to start interceding. sometimes i just don't think about praying first. i normally stress out about it and when i can't deal any longer, i pray. so, for the first time, i'm praying first. i started this morning. i know, you probably think, "she's been a christian for how long and doesn't think to pray first?" well, i'm human. prayer is normally easy but when it comes to people who are tired of god, it's hard to go to him and talk about it.
anyway... i have a little confession. last night i was so tempted to cut! i wanted to go to my room and just slice away the frustration and anger. but i didn't! (thank you god for self control) i was beyond myself. it literally took all that was inside of me to breathe! i wanted to run. i wanted to scream! i've not felt that way in forever! i'm normally calm and cool. however, something got to me! after i realized that i was being crazy, i took a deep breath and moved on.
i just want to say, you don't know how strong you are until you are tested. you don't know how far you can go unless you take the first step. you never know what god has for you unless you ask. i know, i'm just dragging this out but it makes me feel better! it makes me feel good to get it all out!
so, i want to leave quoting Mother Teresa, "Thank God, that He still stoops down to take from me."
Sunday, February 6, 2011
"Slow to anger?"
so, i'm working through the rest of the first chapter of james. i want to say that it still amazes me how i can read the same set of scripture a million times and still find something new in it... i love james and it always teaches me something. yesterday i got caught up on the first half of the first chapter, tonight it is the second half.
we are instructed to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. this makes me feel so convicted. i think about how many times i just want to talk, talk, talk and how hard it is for me to always do the listening. it also reminds me that i am quickly angered and sometimes over the dumbest things!
i don't think i've always been bad at listening but for some reason, i go through phases where i just want to be heard. i know that we all need to be heard but how much am i missing because i'm too busy talking? i know, i'm human but it's not an excuse.
so, i'm praying that the lord can help me be more aware of what people are saying and more importantly what the lord is saying. i'm also praying that my anger will also be controllable.
from now on, i am going to remember that, "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. (Thich Nhat Hanh)"
we are instructed to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. this makes me feel so convicted. i think about how many times i just want to talk, talk, talk and how hard it is for me to always do the listening. it also reminds me that i am quickly angered and sometimes over the dumbest things!
i don't think i've always been bad at listening but for some reason, i go through phases where i just want to be heard. i know that we all need to be heard but how much am i missing because i'm too busy talking? i know, i'm human but it's not an excuse.
so, i'm praying that the lord can help me be more aware of what people are saying and more importantly what the lord is saying. i'm also praying that my anger will also be controllable.
from now on, i am going to remember that, "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. (Thich Nhat Hanh)"
Saturday, February 5, 2011
"Consider it pure joy when facing trials..."
so, i'm trying to get better about reading the bible (the word). right now i'm starting james. it's one of my favorite books of the bible! it normally speaks straight to my heart. that still stands true this evening. i want to share what it or rather, what god's speaking to me through this tonight. the verses are 2-7.
so, what is god saying to me? basically that we face trials in order to be strengthened. he doesn't want us to suffer! sometimes we face these trials because of things we have done. however, we know that god works all things to the good of those who love him. he's telling me to press through it; that once i make it through, i'll be strong and ready for tougher things.
once we let perseverance finish it's work in us, we'll be mature and lack nothing. how awesome will that be? i think that as we face different things and make it through, we grow in maturity. the more we go through, the more mature we will be. i don't necessarily think it's just a character maturity, but a spiritual maturity.
i don't like to go through trials. i don't like when hard things come my way. i think they suck but if it makes me stronger, maybe i should embrace them... maybe i should grab a hold of them and just deal with them. i can make it through all things and nothing is too hard with the lord on my side. i need to stop letting these things get to me. i need to stop letting those things get me down and keep me from doing what He wants me to do.
**Lord, please give me strength on this journey. bring me back to the heart of it all. please help me straighten out and persevere through all that comes my way!
so, what is god saying to me? basically that we face trials in order to be strengthened. he doesn't want us to suffer! sometimes we face these trials because of things we have done. however, we know that god works all things to the good of those who love him. he's telling me to press through it; that once i make it through, i'll be strong and ready for tougher things.
once we let perseverance finish it's work in us, we'll be mature and lack nothing. how awesome will that be? i think that as we face different things and make it through, we grow in maturity. the more we go through, the more mature we will be. i don't necessarily think it's just a character maturity, but a spiritual maturity.
i don't like to go through trials. i don't like when hard things come my way. i think they suck but if it makes me stronger, maybe i should embrace them... maybe i should grab a hold of them and just deal with them. i can make it through all things and nothing is too hard with the lord on my side. i need to stop letting these things get to me. i need to stop letting those things get me down and keep me from doing what He wants me to do.
**Lord, please give me strength on this journey. bring me back to the heart of it all. please help me straighten out and persevere through all that comes my way!
"Isn't it funny..."
i was on facebook just a few minutes ago and was inspired by a friend to write this blog. he status began with, "isn't it funny how..." i don't remember the rest of it but it made me want to blog about all of the "isn't it funny" things in my life. so, here i go:
"isn't it funny..."
"isn't it funny..."
- that the shower curtain in my bathroom needs to be replaced but no one does it
- how it's supposed to be winter out but it's raining
- how my car is twenty years old and only has a little over 12o,000 miles on it and no matter how badly i treat it (unintentionally), it is easily fixed and keeps on running
- that someone dropped a pen in the toilet and now it won't flush right but no one will fix it
- that i'm harder on myself than my parents
- that i love the warm weather but live in a place that has all four seasons
- that no matter how many times a person sins, God will forgive them
- that i love pasta, bread, and rice but i can't eat it because it makes me fat
- that i work in retail but hate selling things
- that i'm making a list of things that are funny...
so, i couldn't come up with a lot of ironically funny things, but this is a start.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"you bleed just to know you're alive"
i have something i want to voice. so, here i go:
i hate when people who cut are misunderstood!!! it drives me soo stinking nuts! i mean, most don't do it for attention! they do it because they are hurting and broken and need a way to release pain! even when they are suicidal, they don't really want to die. they just want to be free of the pain inside of them that they can't release; the pain that constantly nags at them! cutting feels good for a while.
it's a cry for help! it's a cry to be normal. and for a while, they feel that freedom; they feel the release. it helps them deal when things get rough. it helps them focus. it helps them think clearly!
the ones who don't do it for attention hide the cutting as best they can. they put it in places you'd never expect them to be! they do it under their breasts, on their thighs, and sometimes in worse places! they hurt to be painless. they hide it with long sleeves, jeans, and fake smiles.
how do i know all of this? because i did it! i cut to not be so stressed; to feel like i was alive. i didn't want people to know but they had to or i'd never have been set free! i'm not saying that cutting is ok or acceptable! i'm just saying that if you don't ask them why they do it, don't judge them. don't accuse them of searching for attention! don't look down on them!
give them a chance to tell their story. be open and offer a helping hand and accountability! i want to leave you with the lyrics to a goo-goo doll's song:
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."
i hate when people who cut are misunderstood!!! it drives me soo stinking nuts! i mean, most don't do it for attention! they do it because they are hurting and broken and need a way to release pain! even when they are suicidal, they don't really want to die. they just want to be free of the pain inside of them that they can't release; the pain that constantly nags at them! cutting feels good for a while.
it's a cry for help! it's a cry to be normal. and for a while, they feel that freedom; they feel the release. it helps them deal when things get rough. it helps them focus. it helps them think clearly!
the ones who don't do it for attention hide the cutting as best they can. they put it in places you'd never expect them to be! they do it under their breasts, on their thighs, and sometimes in worse places! they hurt to be painless. they hide it with long sleeves, jeans, and fake smiles.
how do i know all of this? because i did it! i cut to not be so stressed; to feel like i was alive. i didn't want people to know but they had to or i'd never have been set free! i'm not saying that cutting is ok or acceptable! i'm just saying that if you don't ask them why they do it, don't judge them. don't accuse them of searching for attention! don't look down on them!
give them a chance to tell their story. be open and offer a helping hand and accountability! i want to leave you with the lyrics to a goo-goo doll's song:
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
no gas = time to think
so, on my way to work, i ran out of gas... i was so frustrated! i kept thinking about how if i hadn't waited and had gotten it when i first thought about it, it wouldn't have happened! so, since i had thirty minutes until my sister got there with gas, i updated my facebook status. the first time it was something along the lines of, "why do i procrastinate? maybe one of these days i will learn..."
i text my mom and told her that i couldn't believe that no one had stopped to see if they could help. i text a friend and told her i was stuck and how bad it sucked. and after about twenty-five minutes and thirty cars later, a nice older man stopped to see if he could help. i told him that i had someone coming to help me and that i appreciated the offer. he said to me, "hey, i've been there. i know what it's like and i try to stop when i can because that's what i would want of someone else."
my heart sank a little. i felt eternally grateful! i thanked him at least ten times and waved as he pulled away. my hope in people was redeemed. my whole attitude changed. it reminded me that i am just like all of those other people who just drive pass those who are broken down. how many people could i have helped? how many people had to just sit there because they weren't as lucky as i was to have a cell phone?
from now on, i want to try to have the courage to stop and help those who are stranded. i want to be more aware of what is going on around me. i know that if jesus was walking the earth right now, he would stop. he would give money or food to the homeless and the hitchhikers. he wouldn't think about how late he was going to be to places or how hungry he himself was. he would sacrifice for the good of those around him.
i know i can't save the world or touch everyone with the love of christ. however, i do know that i can make a difference and if that means letting someone borrow a cell phone or handing out cookies to the homeless or those hitchhiking, then i'll do it! sign me up now! i want to do as much as i can while i still have time to do it.
god has given me but a short time on earth. so, i want to use my time wisely. i challenge you, are you using your time and resources wisely? here's one final thought before i let you go:
"2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2
i text my mom and told her that i couldn't believe that no one had stopped to see if they could help. i text a friend and told her i was stuck and how bad it sucked. and after about twenty-five minutes and thirty cars later, a nice older man stopped to see if he could help. i told him that i had someone coming to help me and that i appreciated the offer. he said to me, "hey, i've been there. i know what it's like and i try to stop when i can because that's what i would want of someone else."
my heart sank a little. i felt eternally grateful! i thanked him at least ten times and waved as he pulled away. my hope in people was redeemed. my whole attitude changed. it reminded me that i am just like all of those other people who just drive pass those who are broken down. how many people could i have helped? how many people had to just sit there because they weren't as lucky as i was to have a cell phone?
from now on, i want to try to have the courage to stop and help those who are stranded. i want to be more aware of what is going on around me. i know that if jesus was walking the earth right now, he would stop. he would give money or food to the homeless and the hitchhikers. he wouldn't think about how late he was going to be to places or how hungry he himself was. he would sacrifice for the good of those around him.
i know i can't save the world or touch everyone with the love of christ. however, i do know that i can make a difference and if that means letting someone borrow a cell phone or handing out cookies to the homeless or those hitchhiking, then i'll do it! sign me up now! i want to do as much as i can while i still have time to do it.
god has given me but a short time on earth. so, i want to use my time wisely. i challenge you, are you using your time and resources wisely? here's one final thought before i let you go:
"2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2
Monday, January 31, 2011
Life is sooo crazy. I don't know where to begin. My sister had a baby on July 15th, 2010. KehLeigh Renee is the most amazing baby in the whole world! I think she brings so much joy to the lives of those around her. Her dad hasn't been around. She's six months now. Today he and his wife are coming over to visit her for the first time. First, he wasn't married when my sister met him. She's a new addition to his life. They got married not too long after Casey gave birth to KehLeigh. I guess it doesn't matter, Casey doesn't want him. I don't know how this will go. I'll let you know...
I really want kids, one day. Right now I'm totally okay with not having any. I can learn to care and love for kids by having my niece around. I want to be the best mom possible. There are things I still need to do and experience before I feel like I'm ready. No, I'm not even married! I do want to do that as well. For me, children aren't an option unless I'm married. It'll happen, I know it! Some days I get discouraged. Other days I know it's all in God's timing. I'm content though. Life is just as fun single as it would be if I was in a relationship. I want to be the best wife as possible, as well.
I am working on, or rather, letting God work on me. Purity of mind is an issue. I'm letting God in to work on it. Somethings take longer than others. I'm ready for change. I'm done screwing up.
God is so good. Even when we are not, He is! I am so thankful for a God who loves me even when I cannot find enough love to love myself. I've been having a hard time trying to love people and show them compassion. I've just grown tired and weary. However, I've been encouraged by three people this week. It makes me want to try harder; it makes me want to love more. One person told me that I am a great example of God's love! It was amazing! I can't describe how awesome that made me feel! The other two were equally encouraging! I love when that happens.
I'm not sure where this blog is going... So, to end, I'll leave you with this final thought:
"If you would be loved, love and be lovable." -Benjamin Franklin
I really want kids, one day. Right now I'm totally okay with not having any. I can learn to care and love for kids by having my niece around. I want to be the best mom possible. There are things I still need to do and experience before I feel like I'm ready. No, I'm not even married! I do want to do that as well. For me, children aren't an option unless I'm married. It'll happen, I know it! Some days I get discouraged. Other days I know it's all in God's timing. I'm content though. Life is just as fun single as it would be if I was in a relationship. I want to be the best wife as possible, as well.
I am working on, or rather, letting God work on me. Purity of mind is an issue. I'm letting God in to work on it. Somethings take longer than others. I'm ready for change. I'm done screwing up.
God is so good. Even when we are not, He is! I am so thankful for a God who loves me even when I cannot find enough love to love myself. I've been having a hard time trying to love people and show them compassion. I've just grown tired and weary. However, I've been encouraged by three people this week. It makes me want to try harder; it makes me want to love more. One person told me that I am a great example of God's love! It was amazing! I can't describe how awesome that made me feel! The other two were equally encouraging! I love when that happens.
I'm not sure where this blog is going... So, to end, I'll leave you with this final thought:
"If you would be loved, love and be lovable." -Benjamin Franklin
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Relationships are number one in life...
I don't think anyone really reads my blog... I thank God though. I feel like I can say anything... However, tonight I'm not going to just say whatever. I want to talk about something we did in church today.
My pastor is a wonderful man. I look up to him and pray that one day I am half the person he is! To be half the person he is would make me wonderful. I don't put him up on a pedestal. I mean, I know he's not perfect but I also know that he's humble. He's a lot like Jesus and I know that he admits when he's wrong. He lets nothing get in his way and runs his race with perseverance. All that to say, he was talking about the one important thing.
I took from his sermon that relationships are so important! We need to love others. I feel like sometimes I just get so caught up with life that I forget the important things. I want to be a person who seeks first the kingdom. One who loves God with all that I am and others almost as much as I love God. I know it's going to be hard because people can be crazy but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
He encouraged us to dream. To ask the big "What if". He dared us to see what God would do through those "What ifs" we have... So, on a final note, I'll leave you with some "What ifs" I have running through my brain. And remember, dream big... The bigger you dream, the wilder the ride!
"What if":
My pastor is a wonderful man. I look up to him and pray that one day I am half the person he is! To be half the person he is would make me wonderful. I don't put him up on a pedestal. I mean, I know he's not perfect but I also know that he's humble. He's a lot like Jesus and I know that he admits when he's wrong. He lets nothing get in his way and runs his race with perseverance. All that to say, he was talking about the one important thing.
I took from his sermon that relationships are so important! We need to love others. I feel like sometimes I just get so caught up with life that I forget the important things. I want to be a person who seeks first the kingdom. One who loves God with all that I am and others almost as much as I love God. I know it's going to be hard because people can be crazy but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
He encouraged us to dream. To ask the big "What if". He dared us to see what God would do through those "What ifs" we have... So, on a final note, I'll leave you with some "What ifs" I have running through my brain. And remember, dream big... The bigger you dream, the wilder the ride!
"What if":
- I went to college
- I prayed with someone I don't know every time I go into town or out to eat?
- I was the church... Acting like Jesus everywhere I go?
- I did bake cookies and gave them to the homeless or random people?
- I loved with no worries of getting hurt?
- God's glory fell so heavily on me during devo time that I could only lie in his presence?
- What if I lived like tomorrow wasn't a guarantee?
- I prayed at all times?
- I only spoke life and positivity?
- I chose the right thing all the time, no matter how hard?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday night...
Thinking is something that always causes me problems. Lately though, it's been really good for me. I've been thinking about my walk as a Christian. I look at myself and feel like I fall short all the time. However, I've realized, it's OK! No one on this world is perfect! No one, except Jesus, has ever been perfect!
I'm trying to be a better person! I'm trying to be more true to who I am meant to be; who I used to be. We all change. Some of us for the better, some for the worse. I feel like I've done a little of both recently.
I feel like at one point I was very compassionate and caring. Recently I feel like my compassion has slowly melted away. I care, but I feel like I don't care enough. I want so badly to cry at injustice in the world. I want so badly to feel compassion towards the hurting and broken but somehow it just isn't happening all of the time. I remember a time when the commercials on t.v. would bring me to tears and the sight of a teenager crying would break my heart. Where has that person gone? What have I done to her? I think she still lives inside of me. I think she's in there, deep down. Maybe somewhere a long this journey I was hurt and that has something to do with it. However, I don't think that's an excuse!
I used to be positive! So, encouraging... Now I feel like I only see the bad... When did my glass become half empty? How do I change the way I see things? When did i desensitize myself to things?
I know that I love. I love without conditions. I love without knowing why. Love is something that is fairly easy for me. I love to love. I love to love on people. I don't always know how to show it, but I try.
So, I know that I need a lot of work. I also know that it's the Lord who has to do that work in me. It won't happen over night but that's how I want it! I want him to be like, "Poof, you're a new person!" I don't think he does that though. I think it takes time and work on my part. I have to make the choice to change and let him change me. I have to want it badly and be willing to do what he asks of me. What a journey this is going to be.
Right now, I'm working on how people look at me. If I say I'm a Christian, I must act it at all times. There's no room to have an off day because everyone is watching. I'm working on this by watching what I say. Not being so sarcastic is hard but I don't think Jesus would have been! I think he would have been sincere. So, as my mom used to tell me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Therefore, I shall say nothing at all. :D If I wouldn't say it to my mom, I won't say it to anyone else!
I've decided that I'm not going to go back to where I was and staying where I am is not an option. So, the only thing for me to do now is to fight it out!! I've got to stand tall and strong and lean on the Lord. As a human, I am weak. So, I thank God that he is strong!!
I hope this makes sense. It's kind of late and I'm kind of tired. One last thought: "For some of us, it takes the pain of staying the same to be greater than the pain of changing to cause us to move forward into that change."
I'm trying to be a better person! I'm trying to be more true to who I am meant to be; who I used to be. We all change. Some of us for the better, some for the worse. I feel like I've done a little of both recently.
I feel like at one point I was very compassionate and caring. Recently I feel like my compassion has slowly melted away. I care, but I feel like I don't care enough. I want so badly to cry at injustice in the world. I want so badly to feel compassion towards the hurting and broken but somehow it just isn't happening all of the time. I remember a time when the commercials on t.v. would bring me to tears and the sight of a teenager crying would break my heart. Where has that person gone? What have I done to her? I think she still lives inside of me. I think she's in there, deep down. Maybe somewhere a long this journey I was hurt and that has something to do with it. However, I don't think that's an excuse!
I used to be positive! So, encouraging... Now I feel like I only see the bad... When did my glass become half empty? How do I change the way I see things? When did i desensitize myself to things?
I know that I love. I love without conditions. I love without knowing why. Love is something that is fairly easy for me. I love to love. I love to love on people. I don't always know how to show it, but I try.
So, I know that I need a lot of work. I also know that it's the Lord who has to do that work in me. It won't happen over night but that's how I want it! I want him to be like, "Poof, you're a new person!" I don't think he does that though. I think it takes time and work on my part. I have to make the choice to change and let him change me. I have to want it badly and be willing to do what he asks of me. What a journey this is going to be.
Right now, I'm working on how people look at me. If I say I'm a Christian, I must act it at all times. There's no room to have an off day because everyone is watching. I'm working on this by watching what I say. Not being so sarcastic is hard but I don't think Jesus would have been! I think he would have been sincere. So, as my mom used to tell me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Therefore, I shall say nothing at all. :D If I wouldn't say it to my mom, I won't say it to anyone else!
I've decided that I'm not going to go back to where I was and staying where I am is not an option. So, the only thing for me to do now is to fight it out!! I've got to stand tall and strong and lean on the Lord. As a human, I am weak. So, I thank God that he is strong!!
I hope this makes sense. It's kind of late and I'm kind of tired. One last thought: "For some of us, it takes the pain of staying the same to be greater than the pain of changing to cause us to move forward into that change."
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