Thinking is something that always causes me problems. Lately though, it's been really good for me. I've been thinking about my walk as a Christian. I look at myself and feel like I fall short all the time. However, I've realized, it's OK! No one on this world is perfect! No one, except Jesus, has ever been perfect!
I'm trying to be a better person! I'm trying to be more true to who I am meant to be; who I used to be. We all change. Some of us for the better, some for the worse. I feel like I've done a little of both recently.
I feel like at one point I was very compassionate and caring. Recently I feel like my compassion has slowly melted away. I care, but I feel like I don't care enough. I want so badly to cry at injustice in the world. I want so badly to feel compassion towards the hurting and broken but somehow it just isn't happening all of the time. I remember a time when the commercials on t.v. would bring me to tears and the sight of a teenager crying would break my heart. Where has that person gone? What have I done to her? I think she still lives inside of me. I think she's in there, deep down. Maybe somewhere a long this journey I was hurt and that has something to do with it. However, I don't think that's an excuse!
I used to be positive! So, encouraging... Now I feel like I only see the bad... When did my glass become half empty? How do I change the way I see things? When did i desensitize myself to things?
I know that I love. I love without conditions. I love without knowing why. Love is something that is fairly easy for me. I love to love. I love to love on people. I don't always know how to show it, but I try.
So, I know that I need a lot of work. I also know that it's the Lord who has to do that work in me. It won't happen over night but that's how I want it! I want him to be like, "Poof, you're a new person!" I don't think he does that though. I think it takes time and work on my part. I have to make the choice to change and let him change me. I have to want it badly and be willing to do what he asks of me. What a journey this is going to be.
Right now, I'm working on how people look at me. If I say I'm a Christian, I must act it at all times. There's no room to have an off day because everyone is watching. I'm working on this by watching what I say. Not being so sarcastic is hard but I don't think Jesus would have been! I think he would have been sincere. So, as my mom used to tell me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Therefore, I shall say nothing at all. :D If I wouldn't say it to my mom, I won't say it to anyone else!
I've decided that I'm not going to go back to where I was and staying where I am is not an option. So, the only thing for me to do now is to fight it out!! I've got to stand tall and strong and lean on the Lord. As a human, I am weak. So, I thank God that he is strong!!
I hope this makes sense. It's kind of late and I'm kind of tired. One last thought: "For some of us, it takes the pain of staying the same to be greater than the pain of changing to cause us to move forward into that change."
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